post mortem (or "I'm about to read this in 5 years and be like fuck what a whiny bitch") pps post mortem is dramatic as fuck, who says that? Nobody's fucking dead.

Nobody has to read this but I want it to be real.  Honestly in so many ways I am a child. Who's approval am I trying to get? Definitely not my own otherwise I'd be doing things so much differently.  Right now the only thing I can say to myself is that it will get better. I will feel better, I'll get over it. Of course tomorrow temporarily I'll feel normal. I'll go to class, do homework, read a bit, play tagpro, watch videos, the usual. But I know that for these upcoming weeks and months it won't always be okay. But I know today I was able to calm myself with just repeating that mantra.  So I'll continue on.  I have a goal, a real goal in the real world. Am I grown up? Probably never. I'm writing this melodramatic shit so why would I be. But maybe in some ways I can be. Tomorrow I'm going apply for one internship a day for five days. I'm getting a job in CDS. I'm going to see my friends. I'm going to do things I enjoy.  I'm going to clean my room, wash my clothes, not be a fucking slob. I can get through whatever is happening right now. I'm going to talk about it. It's not a fucking secret, it's in the open. I'm hurt. I'll survive.